[Two Pronged] My dating life hasn’t been the best. Why get married at all?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

Lately, I can’t help asking myself, “Why get married at all?”

My thoughts on this stem heavily on my own experiences. I’ve had an ex who is curt, demanding, and brutally disrespectful to me. I’ve had another one that is basically loyal to her emotions and can’t regulate her emotions and heal her wounds that eventually ended up becoming my own trauma!

I’ve been hurt a lot by my past relationships. And even getting to know girls online is not any better. So basically, I’ve had red flag after red flag that has been destroying my peace for the past 10 years. 

Maybe I have rotten luck with women? Maybe I’m not looking in the right places for the good-natured ones? So my experience is telling me: “It’s not worth the risk pursuing another one. I can cut my losses and stop here.” And with all the content of male advocates online (I’ll link three videos here) that I think should sum up what it’s like for men nowadays.

Play Video

Play Video

If this is the norm for women in general, I think I’m better off just getting a dog.

I’m not opposed to getting into a relationship with a loving, mature, caring woman (who is probably a mythical creature in terms of rarity at this point to me). But I’ve accepted that the chances of that happening are very slim. Maybe I have more chances of winning the lottery!

– Tony

Dear Tony,

Thank you for your email.

You describe your experiences with women over the last 10 years as having been a mixture of hurt, wounding, red flags and bad luck. As a result, you now feel like cutting your losses and giving up looking for marriage. You have become weary of the game and pessimistic about the future, at least when it comes to women.

Perhaps it is time to take a closer look at your current view of life. Yes, you have had some bad experiences but to condemn all women based on a relative handful of relationships that went sour does seem a somewhat excessive reaction.

The women you have known do not represent all women, just as you do not represent all men. In addition, you seem to be trying to justify your decision by recourse to videos that, far from presenting a balanced view, actually profit from expressing extreme views and encouraging an adversarial approach to life.

Maybe you need to recalibrate a little. Look around and you will see all types of relationships, some more successful than others, some less so. With your current attitude, are you seeing problems before they arise, building defenses, setting yourself up to fail, creating self-fulfilling prophecies? 

Perhaps a new approach might help. Try analyzing your past, looking for patterns of behavior that may have contributed to the demise of previous relationships. Have you been overlooking something? Are your choices of partners aligned with what you think you deserve in a relationship? What conclusions can you draw to improve your future choices? 

Rather than building a defensive shield around yourself and looking for affirmation on the internet (where you can find support for any and all views), learn from past mistakes and remain open to new relationships so that you can use that knowledge to good purpose.

You might even consider therapy to assist you on this journey. And remember, dating can be a joy in its own right; it doesn’t have to be a marriage interview!

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Tony,

Thank you very much for your letter. Thank you too for asking a question that more and more Gen Z-ers seem to ask themselves.

To clarify, I agree with everything Mr. Baer said above: that your selective perception (based on the three reels you shared) all support the same point which, to summarize, show women demanding too much from men.

I also agree with his suggestion that perhaps you should widen your dating pool so that you meet women who do not “mistake provision for devotion” and resent it when you ask them to go 50-50 even if they make the same amount of money as you do.

Yes, “loving, mature, caring” women exist and are not necessarily “mythical creatures.” But, perhaps you should behave differently to meet them: Maybe ask your good friends to suggest women you can hook up with; or no longer rely on dating apps (presuming that’s what you do because let’s face it: sometimes this is THE best way to meet potential partners — no time wasted, limitless options, seemingly honest in what they say they truly want).  

But such honesty requires time and effort. Without putting in the time and effort, you will not have enough “data” to reassure you that it is safe to open up to them. If you open up to them without feeling reassured that they know the real you AND like you enough to try something they may not have tried before — like split the bill 50-50 — well then, no doubt about it, being with your dog would be way more fun than being with them!  

At least, when Spotty wags her tail when she sees you, you know she’s not pretending… Perhaps unlike your latest date who may do so just to get you to pay their bill.

The most important scenario I have saved for last: Even if you do find a lovely, mature woman whom you admire and even grow to love, you do not have to marry at all (presuming you have not given her false hope!). 

Some people prefer making their own decisions without having to consult anyone else; some like to have their own schedules (what time to sleep, what time to eat, which may change day to day);  some want to spend their hard earned money only on what they damn well please… for such people and many others, I would agree that remaining unmarried is probably the best choice.

It seems the population of people who willingly never marry is growing. It is growing more rapidly among females rather than males. Among other reasons, it is because traditionally, even if they work as many hours and receive as good a salary as their husbands, they are still expected to do most of the housework and parenting. I do not blame them for their choice, as I laud yours, dearest Tony, whatever you decide.

All I wish is that you are aware of anything in your past, present, or perceived future that is unduly and affecting your choice/s.

Good luck,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com